Blended Families

Most often we think of marriage as the joining of two people to be wife and husband. In reality, marriage is often much more than that. It is also the coming together and merging of family and friends. When the bride and/or groom have children, it is appropriate for the children to be included in the wedding ceremony. With children present, the wedding ceremony also becomes the proclamation of a new family or a "family wedding".

Generally speaking, children will accept a parent's remarriage more readily when they feel included in the wedding plans, the wedding ceremony and are given a tangible symbol of being embraced by a new family; perhaps a beautiful bracelet, a gold-banded birthstone ring or some other significant token of love.

ASK THE KIDS: Always ask the children how they would like to be included.  They may have mixed emotions, so go slowly and be sure they are ready to participate.

• ENCOURAGE THEIR PARTICIPATION:  Invite the kids up to light a “Family Candle” instead of the usual couple-only Unity Candle.
• CREATE A FAMILY SYMBOL:  Share your family symbol with the children during the ceremony – some couples use family rings, pendants or other special engraved gifts.
  
• INVOLVE THEM IN THE WEDDING PARTY:  Younger kids will be honored to be ring bearers, flower girls or junior attendants, while older children can stand with you as an attendant, best man or maid of honor – or even walk you down the aisle.  Some children can be given the honor of handing a rose to their moms or grandmothers.  At the reception, include them in the cake cutting or let them make a toast.

Involving Children In The Wedding Ceremony

I believe it is very important if children are coming into the marriage that they be recognized or participate in some part of the wedding ceremony itself. Children often can not express fears or doubts they have. Involving children in the ceremony helps them to transition to the new relationship they are now a part of. Many times it takes time for your child to work your request through their feelings. What may be a clear turn down today may be an enthusiastic 'sure' a few weeks from now. Give them time, you won't regret it.

The Number One Suggestion Is Mention The Children In The Ceremony As Often As You Can

I think it is much more important that children hear their names mentioned in the ceremony, than it is that they play any major part of the ceremony. (There will be exceptions to this so clear it ahead of time with the shy ones). Mentioning a child's name during the wedding assures that they are an important part of the occasion and have special status which guests and other family members attending do not. At this special time children need to feel important to their parents.

Remember with this ceremony a new family is being born. This is especially important to young ones. When children are coming into the marriage, it is appropriate to mention in the ceremony that not only is a marriage being formed, but also a family - and then we name each child. If a prayer is in the ceremony, each child's name can be stated in the prayer.

Watch Out For The "I Feel Rejected" Syndrome Immediately After The Ceremony

Where children tend to be left out is immediately after the ceremony. The bride and groom walk away and are crowded by "big people" - with the children left out of the immediate post ceremony celebration. Remember most children do not know what they are supposed to do after the ceremony ends. This is easily avoided. The couple should simply take a moment to hug their child/children, thank them for helping in the ceremony, and then telling them they are free to play etc. This time of quality recognition is very important.

Be Careful With The Excessive Involvement Of Children In The Marriage Ceremony

Surprise! Once in a while children will not share your sense of excitement about the wedding. Often, to the child it can seem more a party occasion. Usually, giving childrens major roles in the ceremony quickly become a duty rather than a delight. It is generally best to give a child only one active role and also to be mentioned in the ceremony, rather than to actively involve a child at too many different points throughout the ceremony. With teenagers, some care should be taken not to give them roles they may feel silly doing.

Keep It Simple

For younger children, usually the simple task of holding the rings or bouquet is enough to accomplish a sense of participation. For teenagers, the role may be as simple as standing up with the couple, playing the CD or tape of wedding music, or even just taking pictures of the ceremony with a one time camera. In short try to find a non ceremony role for the child. Often if presenting roses are a part of the ceremony the couple will have a rose for each of the children. After exchanging roses, the couple will then give each child a rose, a hug, and whisper "I love you." Typically, couples may give children a gift right after they exchange their own rings and vows - usually a necklace, medallion, or ring - along with a hug and an "I love you." Use the family unity candle. As we all know children are fascinated with candles and involving them in the is an excellent involvement means. This can be done many ways. If the children are small the bride and groom light small candles for each of the children - and then they light the center candle together. If the children are older each child can have a candle to light. Then all light the centre candle together.

Flower Girls And Ring Bearers

Generally speaking, flower girls and ring bearers are between three and seven years of age. Of course, the younger they are, the more unpredictable their behavior will be. If the child is old enough to walk up the aisle and be relatively well behaved throughout the ceremony then this will go a long way to making your ceremony a memorable one and pictures of the ceremony to filled with happy children, but having said this, it depends on the personality of the children involved.

The Older Children

Children eager to participate in the wedding ceremony can be bridesmaids and ushers as well as honor attendants (the new unisex term for the maid of honor and best man); the roles they can play are no longer limited. An eleven-year-old son can be a best man. A nine-year-old girl can be a maid of honor. A bride's son can be her "honor attendant," as a groom's daughter can be his. A bride's son, daughter, or both can escort her up the aisle and "give her away." You may even choose to have your wedding party made up entirely of your own children as my spouse and I did.